The Self-Confidence Workbook
by Barbara Markway, PhD and Celia Ampel
The self-confidence workbook
In writing summaries my aim is to highlight the dominant themes of the book. I utilize paraphrasing and interpretation to convey these themes in my own words. Along the way, I include direct quotes from the author, along with thoughts of my own, that are intended to support or expand on what the author has presented in the book.
The author starts off with a valuable question for problem solving, “what would you do if you had all the confidence in the world"?”
Self-doubt and insecurity are holding you back.
Defining confidence as a feeling is a trap that leaves us waiting for that confident feeling before we FEEL ready to take action. The problem with this is that we end up in a feelings trap.
The Latin root of confidence means “with trust.” As Hemingway said, “the best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” This applies to the relationship with, and to our own self as well. The best way to know if you can trust is through actions. Broken promises, inconsistency, lack of follow through erode trust. This is true because it is not what we or others say to us that builds trust, it is what they do for and with us that builds trust. Ultimately trust is alignment between doing what you say and saying what you do.
The author defines self-confidence as “the willingness to take steps toward valued goals, even if you’re anxious and the outcome is unknown.”
The author defines three parts to self-confidence: courage, competence, and compassion.
“Actions come before feelings. Actions are guided by values. Process is more important than outcome.”
Confidence is a process and a choice to live in alignment with your values (the things you care about in life).
Confidence is not the same as narcissism or self-absorption, in fact it is the opposite. When we are confident we are better able to place our full attention on the other people in our presence instead of constantly second guessing ourselves or getting lost in our own self-doubt.
It is important to have a realistic view of your strengths as well as your weaknesses. If there are areas where you can improve your skills or preparation by all means do so. Being prepared is an important element of confidence. It’s part of what the author identifies as “competence.”
Confidence doesn’t mean that you won’t make mistakes. Confidence means that you will learn from your mistakes, learn, and increase your competence.
Working with your temperament, a combination of your genetic, physical, cultural, emotional, and psychological traits. We all have different baselines when it comes to temperament. For some, confidence will come a bit easier than others, however everyone can work on it through skill building.
The author also identifies the following influences on our self-worth and by proxy our self-confidence: trauma through physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, abusive or neglectful parenting, bullying, humiliation, discrimination, and marginalization by gender, race, and sexual orientation.
Perfectionism also gets in the way of building confidence since perfectionism leads to excuses that keep us from taking action on the things that we value.
Media and social media also contribute to eroding our self-confidence.
“It’s common for anxiety and depression to go hand in hand with self-confidence issues.”
“Building confidence will also help you lessen anxiety and depression.”
Rumination (mental repetitive loop over a thought or problem without completion. Usually with a thought magnification on problems and a minimization of solutions). Rumination and low self-confidence often occur together. Rumination is also linked to depression and anxiety and when it is left unchecked it can limit our ability to take valued action.
Building confidence is like learning a new language or instrument. With practice and skill building you will be able to achieve a greater level of self-confidence. They key is to do it in small achievable steps.
Exploring, knowing, and staying connected to your values, your “why” can help build courage towards building confidence through action and goals.
The author also recommends “mini confidence boosters,” such as a favorite outfit, confidence boosting music playlist, promising yourself a reward for taking courageous action. The author also reminds us to tie the reward to the effort rather than the outcome. Effort is more important (and controllable) than success.
“Low self-confidence is often based upon unhelpful or untrue interpretations of a situation.”
The workbook has exercises that help with exploring and identifying life experiences that have impacted your self-confidence, the person you would be if you had better self-confidence, your values and what matters to you in life, and ways to use CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to identify and reframe thoughts and interpretations that damage self-confidence. It also has activities that use body awareness, mindfulness, self-compassion, and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) for building self-confidence through building a more open and beneficial internal relationship with your thoughts and feelings instead of fighting against them. Lastly, the workbook includes Exposure Therapy exercises that you can use to gradually build up your self-confidence one small step at a time.