The Art of Extraordinary Confidence
by Dr. Aziz Gazipura
The Art of Extraordinary Confidence SUMMARY
In writing summaries my aim is to highlight the dominant themes of the book. I utilize paraphrasing and interpretation to convey these themes in my own words. Along the way, I include direct quotes from the author, along with thoughts of my own, that are intended to support or expand on what the author has presented in the book.
Dr. Aziz asks the reader to take risks and get out of their comfort zone. The key is to embrace discomfort and the growth that resides in that space.
“Power questions,” such as, “if you had all the confidence in the world, what would you do?” help to launch our connection to what it would be like to get what we are after, to know our values, and to act on them.
Confidence comes from the willingness to do whatever it takes, coupled with follow through on the actual doing - the taking action parts, the uncomfortable parts, the effort parts, and the uncertain and scary parts.
Asking yourself “power questions” and writing down your results is part of the doing. Write down what your goals and dreams are. Research backs the benefits and effectiveness of writing goals and dreams down in helping you get to where you want to be.
Excuses, stories, and confidence.
Excuses are like the outer layer of a ball, stories are the next layer down, and core beliefs lie at the center, feeding the excuses and stories we tell ourselves about how much or how little power we have over what we can control and how much power we give to forces outside of our control.
Dr. Aziz describes two kinds of stories: Identity stories and ability stories.
Identity stories: stories that we believe and tell about ourselves that influence our choices and actions. Some identity stories are helpful and supportive of achieving what we want and some are unhelpful (e.g., self-hate, self-criticism) and keep us stuck in suboptimal choices and behaviors. Becoming aware of your identity story is imperative. Once you’ve identified it and recognize the unhelpful parts that keep you stuck, you must challenge it, and then take action to break the stuck patterns of that identity story.
Identity stories that are unhelpful are like a cage that keeps you safe. Safe from the potential pain of taking action and engaging in challenging situations that are in alignment with your values and goals. It is a deal that your mind pitches to you - “I’ll keep you safe as long as you don’t go trying anything new and uncomfortable.”
Ability stories: stories that we believe and tell about our ability that influence our choices and actions. As with identity stories, some ability stories are helpful and supportive of choice and action. Some are unhelpful and lead to avoidance—avoidance of imagined pain, failure, rejection, and even success. Our stories about ability are not concerned with accuracy, they are concerned with keeping us safe and telling us ability stories that keep us from taking action towards our goals.
Ability stories that are unhelpful focus on the future. The future is uncertain and a fertile ground for unhelpful stories to take root and grow into scary predictions that keep us from taking action.
Dr. Aziz identifies a path through the unhelpful identity and ability stories - “do the exact opposite of what this voice says.”
We, or rather, our mind is not just one unified set of beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. Our mind is made up of many parts with competing goals and desires. One of these “parts” is what Dr. Aziz describes as the “safety police.”
When we let the “safety police” run our choices and actions we are likely to put safety above any form of perceived risk of loss. This includes risks that have the potential to improve our lives. The “safety police” want to keep us safe from vulnerability. In order to keep us safe from vulnerability we end up holding back from facing our fears and taking action.
Blame is the path of powerlessness and the only way off of that path is to reclaim your power through taking ownership and responsibility of what you do have power over and what is in your control.
Taking the “owner stance” means asking and answering questions about the kind of life you want to lead. Who do you want to invest your time in? What do you want to be doing? Focus on what you want to do, not on what you “should” be doing.
Dr. Aziz lays out the “owner stance” components:
Assertiveness: say what needs to be said
Agreements: get clarity on your expectations
Responsibility: I am 100% responsible for my feelings
Action: I create my destiny
The “owner stance” keeps us from losing or giving away our power when difficult situations arise.
We give away our power when we blame, cut ourselves off from our problem solving choices in the situation, and get lost in resentment.
Fear and confidence.
You don’t need to overcome all fears, however the ones that keep you stuck can be overcome by facing them. Avoiding them equals short term relief but increased pain in the long term.
Facing fear starts from the inside. By practicing to allow and make space for our negative feelings, we can begin to overcome our fear of our own feelings. Instead of running from and avoiding fear, move towards your feelings with a mental and physical attitude consisting of attention, openness, empathy, love, and understanding.
When fear shows up inside of you, use it as a guide for what is important to you, for what challenges are important to face, and then go and face them.
Action and confidence.
Inaction feeds a cycle of low confidence and suboptimal effort and outcomes. Action feeds confidence and optimal effort and outcomes.
Action requires courage, courage can be bolstered through practice. Courage is taking action in the presence of fear, not the absence of fear.
It is a mistake to use self-criticism as a way to build confidence or courage. Self-criticism might work in a short term situation, but it leaves us demotivated, punished, and fearful of facing our fears again.
You can practice courage by identifying what matters to you in life. Ask yourself questions about what kind of relationship you would like to have or what is your dream job in detail. Notice what you would need to do in order to achieve these goals. Notice the fears that show up and make a “what I’m afraid to do” list. Then ask yourself, “Am I willing to feel some discomfort in order to get what I really want?”
Dr. Aziz identifies and walks through dozens of useful techniques for building courage and taking action. Here are some from the chapter on taking ACTION:
Get clarity - be specific and as clear as possible about what you want
Chunk it down - break down the actions into smaller doable steps
Fuck it - helps to keep things in perspective and take action
The DO muscle - drop the excuses and stories and just do, even if you are unsure or scared
Learn by doing - let yourself experiment with trial and error, learn from it and get better
Do not delay - be aware of “planning” “procrastination” and “confusion” traps
Imperfect action - commit to imperfect action, action is success, it allows you to keep going
The long game - managing your timeline can speed up your results and increase willingness
Rejection is an essential and unavoidable part of confidence. Rejection is a “no” and in order to get to the “yes” we want in life we must be able to bear the “no.”
Dr. Aziz defines rejection in two parts:
External Rejection - “what the other person actually said and how they said it.”
Internal Rejection (a three step process) - “make the rejection mean something about my own short-comings and inadequacy.” Then, “demand that I should be better, and now.” Lastly, “conclude that it will never work and I’m doomed to failure.”
Change your relationship with rejection, change your relationship with “no.” Every “no” you get is a stepping stone to getting where you want to go.
Change your relationship with failure. “Failure = an undesired outcome.”
We can only control our attitude, our effort, and our action. We cannot control any outcomes. Taking action is all that matters.
The worst part of rejection is the feeling. The best way forward is to meet the feeling with compassion instead of being afraid of it.
Use rejection as fuel for your drive and determination.
Money and confidence.
“What would unlimited confidence with money look like for you?” “What would it feel like?”
Exploring and knowing your “money story” is important to understanding how it impacts your relationship with money, how much of it you are allowed to have, what kind of person you are for wanting it, for having or not having it. Limiting beliefs around money can keep us stuck feeling guilty, insecure, and fearful about money.
When you know your beliefs around money you can examine how those beliefs keep you doing or stop you from doing in your life.
“Money is not bad and you are not bad for wanting it, working for it or having it.”
“Money does not equal worth.”
If you are satisfied with your income you don’t have to go after more. That is totally fine. If you are not satisfied with your income you can go after more and that is also totally fine.
Love and confidence. Love is risky and what Dr. Aziz calls the “primary currency.” We all want to love and to be loved. We are social animals. Isolation and loneliness is painful and damaging to humans.
Watch out for “cheap substitutes” like status, possessions, approval, impressing others, being admired by others. None of these are love, these are all more versions of pain and loneliness.
We fear rejection, abandonment, and loss. These fears keeps us from engaging in the pursuit of love. We have to be willing to feel and make compassionate space within ourselves for pain in order to be confident in love.
Love is both a feeling and an action.
Love starts with you. Self-rejection limits our capacity for love in ourselves and with others. The process of loving yourself starts with mindful awareness of the internal self-critic and moves next to extending compassion and understanding and ultimately in expressing love and taking loving actions in the world.
Asking and confidence.
“In all areas of life, boldness is rewarded, and cowardice is punished, or at best ignored.”
Ask for what you want. If you don’t ask, how can you get? The more you ask, the more you receive.
Explore what you would need to ask for. For example, what would you need to ask for in order to have more time with friends or to have more friends? If these questions and their answers stir up discomfort then you are on the right track.
“Asking for what you want can be scary!”
You’ll find the usual suspects getting in the way of asking for what you want - excuses, stories, and beliefs.
Dr. Aziz includes several thought and action experiments to build up your boldness for asking. For example, the “Boldness-O-Meter,” which ranges from zero requests, followed by making some almost certain to be successful requests, followed by making requests that do not have a certain outcome of success, and lastly, at the highest level, making requests for things that will probably not happen or be granted.
Ask for things with boldness, be direct, use requests instead of demands, be focused on meeting your needs and the needs of the other, assume yes, be appropriately entitled, be authentic, and be vulnerable.
Power and confidence.
“Power is good. We want more of it, and the more we have, the better we feel. But there are some misconceptions about power; some limiting and fearful ideas that keep us from completely accessing and enjoying our full personal power.”
“Personal power: your ability to choose your own direction, actions, and ultimately, your own destiny.”
Power is letting your internal compass guide you. Showing up in the world the way that you want to based on what matters to you in life. It is the opposite of the submissive or powerless position of always looking to others for approval and permission for how you interact with others and the world around you.
Some of the things that get in the way of our power are are stories and beliefs around power. These include the “fear of power” and fearful stories about how others will view you, how you will view yourself, and that wanting or having power generally makes you a “bad” person.
Be aware that “power” is not the same as “force.” Real power comes from knowing your personal power and not from the power of using force to control, intimidate, or dominate others.
We are innately powerful. Most of our work lies in accepting the power that already exists inside of us. How we do that is by recognizing and letting go of unhelpful stories and limiting beliefs. Also by practicing becoming our own internal source of approval, encouragement, and love. This allows us to be more socially generous. Instead of looking to be the one everyone pays attention to and approves, we become the one that is able to give approval and attention to others.
Building the skill and ability to speak up for yourself is essential. This is called assertiveness and can only be built through practice. It’s important as well to notice the stories and beliefs that keep you from speaking up for yourself. Like any practice it won’t always go smoothly. Mistakes are inevitable, however the self-permission to make mistakes is how you grow this assertiveness practice and skill.
If people get upset with you for expressing yourself, asserting yourself, or any version of being yourself, use an open and curious stance to explore it with them instead of an automatic closed defensive stance such as “a hasty and profuse apology,” “defending, blaming, and explaining,” or “limp dead horse,” which is basically hanging your head in shame and waiting for the moment to pass.
Acknowledgement of someone’s anger or upset over something you said or did is better than using defensiveness and avoidance against their anger or upset.
Using and building mindfulness skills is essential in building confidence for personal power. Learn to slow down, acknowledge what sensations are showing up in your body and mind. Move towards them with openness and caring instead of running from them. This allows us to go beneath the first layers of the sensations and find the more meaningful and profound aspects of these sensations. Usually, we have to allow the fear to be acknowledged; once it has been acknowledged we can return to what Dr. Aziz calls “the path.” The path is where we continue to grow our self-confidence through doing what we are afraid to do, pursue our goals, speak up for ourselves, show vulnerability in relationships that matter, and live with courage.
“Each time you face uncomfortable feelings in yourself or take actions out in the world, you grow in power.”
Taking action is dependent on our ability to decide. Make decisions based on what you want, why you want it, and how it will improve your life. You can consult with others, however you must decide for “you.” This means knowing your internal frame: what matters to you, what doesn’t, what values you hold dear, what you want, and why you want it, is essential.
Dr. Aziz describes the concept of MAXIMIZING, from the book Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less by Barry Schwartz. “Maximizing is the decision-making style where you want to check all your options.” This strategy carries a high emotional and mental cost and it is guided by the false idea that we can arrive at a perfect decision - one that brings “all pleasure and no pain.” This kind of thinking increases confusion, anxiety, stress, and indecision.
Instead of MAXIMIZING use “SATISFICING.” You do this by letting go of being perfect and allow yourself to make the “good enough” choice and allowing for the pleasure and pain of the decision to just be.
The important thing is to be aware and mindful of “fear-based” approaches to decision making. If you find yourself focusing mainly on avoidance of discomfort in pursuit of your goals then you are most likely using a fear-based suboptimal strategy for making decisions.
Decisiveness and action matter above all else.
New information, new tools, new strategies, new inspirations, and perspectives are like doorways that open up. These doorways don’t stay open indefinitely. That’s why deciding and taking action is critical. Take it now, not later. Walk through the doorway while it is still open in your mind; each time you don’t, the limiting beliefs gain power over you. No matter what seminar, self-improvement book, coaching, or therapy you are utilizing, it is committed action, now, today, in this moment that will take you where you want to go.
“Extraordinary confidence resides in this moment right now.. habitual and destructive obsession with events in the future, and the repetitive re-livings of the past, do not serve us. They rob us of confidence and joy, leaving us stressed and depressed, even if this very moment is beautiful.”
Dr. Aziz gives a nice analogy for living. Life is not like sitting down at the movies with a bag of popcorn where all we are expected to do is open our eyes and mouth and take it all in as it unfolds. It’s more like getting a guitar or a skateboard. The skateboard or guitar is exciting and you are full of hope as you imagine how great you will be at it. That is, until you realize that it takes effort. There is learning, discomfort, disappointment, and lots and lots of practice. It’s hard. It takes persistence, courage, and self compassion to reach the level that we dreamed we would be at when we first laid eyes on the guitar or skateboard.
“Life is the kind of gift that requires effort to enjoy. To live an extraordinary life requires a commitment to mastery of all areas that are important to you: health, relationships, love, finances, career, family, and anything else that really matters.”